Halcyon Days
by Frawley
Summary: Inspired by the song "The Halcyon Days" - Buffy reflects on the events of "Smashed", "Wrecked", etc. Probably one of the last angsty stream-of-thought pieces I'll do, becuase they've been done to death by now...


Title: Halcyon Days  
Author: Frawley  
Date: 6th December 2001.

Category: Songfic.  
Spoilers: Everything up to "Wrecked" is game, mostly for "Smashed" and "Wrecked".

Summary: The song inspired me... it's pretty much more of Buffy contemplating her life, her relationship (or whatever you choose to call it) with Spike, etc. I'm sure there's a hundred of them by now, and my last few fics have gone in this direction, but such is life. I don't write these things, they write themselves. 

Comments: The song is "The Halcyon Days" by The Tea Party, from their album TripTYCH (1999). This band more than any other I've come across seems to suit Buffy... and they're simply amazing, so if you're bored one day, pick up something by them - anything. I can't tell you how incredible these guys are (especially the new album, The Interzone Mantras), so I'll stop trying. Oh, and this is the first of three songfics... I think. Another will be from Spike's POV. Maybe one featuring both. Who knows.

Disclaimer: Joss owns most of it, I lay claim to the scraps. FOX can sod off. 

* * *

**HALCYON DAYS - by Frawley**

* * *

_alone, left here in dust  
amidst my fears and doubts  
life's shattered dreams i could have  
done without  
now chthonic life has set its sights on  
making me a slave to its ways  
_

It had gone from shock to revulsion to denial to hate faster than she had imagined possible. Not that Buffy had expected pillow talk or even their usual witty banter. She had almost... almost allowed herself to be drawn back in. The darkness was set on making her its slave, and it was so easy to give in, oh so easy, but then...

Alright. Admittedly, she had thrown the first punch. Before _and_ after. Called it a freak show. But when he said that- 

**I knew the only thing better than killing a slayer would be f-**

No.

She wouldn't be just another notch on Spike's belt. Wouldn't. And he wouldn't do to her what Angel had. What Parker had. Throwing her aside. Angel not by choice, true, still... She was not going to let it happen again. So she lashed out, back at him, told him he was just a convenience, and that was true but it wasn't just that.

Because anyone could have been a convenience. Anyone. Any single guy, in the Bronze, the night after Giles had left, yet when Spike had walked away from her she hadn't tackled any other guy, hadn't attempted to pick up a single one (and she knew she still had the goods, after all), hadn't tried to find a nice safe fling. She had run out and tackled him, dragging him back inside where - at least that night - she could be safe - with _him_. Safe among the noise and the people and the smoke, none of which she fully sensed when she was with him. Safety that deep down she admitted even then would be fleeting...

Because he wouldn't let her go easy. And she couldn't let him go easy either.

_i wait for return  
until then my soul it burns  
and it burns only for you..._

_i'll be with you soon...  
_

Despite all her intentions she couldn't get past it. Couldn't get past him. He was the only person, only thing - emphasis on the _thing_, or so she tried to tell herself - that stoked her fire these days. He was right - she'd crave him, she'd come for him...

In her mind she laughed at the double entendre she'd formed. Way to go Buffy. Make this even more difficult for yourself.

It dawned on her that they both had ego problems. Hence the post-bliss battle. He was a vampire after all - she should have expected a crude comment or two. She was a Slayer - prone to overreact. It was, really, nothing worse than what had been said the night before. Still it had stung her. And she bet he regretted it. That... that was good.

_night it falls on me endlessly  
and i search for you in the blindness  
i'm a prodigy of lust and loss  
'till sleep comes down  
_

Too much loss. Far too much. Childhood. Innocence. Jenny. Angel. Dawn's innocence. Mom.

Mom.

Heaven.

All her emotions were numb, in comparison to that. Nothing could feel like... it was numb, all the time, because she'd lost heaven. She didn't like to admit that that was the reason, solely because she didn't like to think about it much at all. But there it was. It hurt, not to be there.

Except... for brief moments, when she could loose herself in someone she was supposed to hate. Was trained to hate. Moments of lust, passion, desire, and she _would_ seek it out again, even though she should have known better.

Even though it might lead to something more, even though it already _was_ something more. 

_i can't explain, this disdain remains  
this treason i can't reason  
they left me here for dead my dear  
barely breathing, but i'm still breathing  
_

Breathing... that she was. Barely, at first, literally. In life, in the weeks since her return, barely, as well. Gasping for air as the reality of it all pulled her under, an unseen current tugging at her heels, her calves, dragging her down. Every now and then her heart might act as a traitor, glowing for the one thing it shouldn't, but...

Barely. Breathing.

**I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse?**

She had plenty. Not the least of which was that he made her feel. Didn't he get that? Well yes, he probably did at that... and was just himself. Another reason why she was drawn to him. He was the only one that hadn't changed. Only one who treated her even close to normal.

And now they were equals again.

_now i see a light  
it's shining from above  
i think they've finally come  
the halcyon days  
_

Normalcy. Something she would likely never achieve. Angel had good intentions, but to rip off The Simpson's, you can't build a house with good intentions. You can't protect your loved ones with them either. She hadn't understood at the time why he had left - or she had, but still hated him for it even while loving him. But they'd both been blind, him just as much. She was never going to have a normal life, never going to see the Norman Rockwell picturesque family with the white picket fence and dog and happy children...

No sense dwelling on it though... seeing him since her return - it wasn't right, anymore. He wasn't what she wanted. She still loved him, he was still her first love - but first loves rarely work. Deep down, she knew their split was inevitable, and not for reasons of normalcy or any such sham.

Because only part of him loved her. The human part, and that's what mattered most, but he wasn't human, and that other side...

_i'm crawling now up  
towards the sound  
vengeance moves so swiftly  
i've conquered fear  
i've shed my tears  
now i'm seething, barely breathing  
_

Fear. Of Angel leaving her, of him staying - she supposed she had felt both at the time, back before Graduation, from school, into life.

Looking back, at least, that's how it seemed. So terrifying, that he might have stayed. It would have spelled disaster.

It was one of the most conflicting feelings Buffy had ever experienced.

And now, new fear. Willow was stuck in some sort of downward spiral, and the worst part was that she had never seen it coming. What with being preoccupied with death and all - and no longer being dead. So maybe no one could blame her, but she blamed herself. She had defended Willow when Xander brought it up. Was too wrapped up in her own fear and denial to see the fear of her friends - and Xander, for all his joking, was not one to scare easy. He lived on the Hellmouth, after all, and unlike most of the local inhabitants, he was strong enough not to pretend it was just another town in sunny California. He faced his fears. He faced his concern about Willow.

She hadn't. Maybe no one else could blame her, but Buffy sure could blame herself. She was doing a bang-up job at the moment.

Spike... another new fear. His chip... worked, and wasn't that a kick in the pants. Even after he'd told her...

**You came back wrong.**

Even after he'd told her, she wouldn't allow herself to believe it. Didn't want to. But something inside her knew.

Enough. Enough self-pity. Enough tears. Enough nights spent hanging garlic and clutching crosses.

He should have been the least of her fears. Emotions weren't an addiction. Amazingly, the killer of two past Slayers didn't want to hurt her... much... and wouldn't hurt her family. Wouldn't hurt Dawn. He wasn't a split personality, he loved her, both human _and_ demon loved her.

It was time to step out of denial.

_now i see a light  
shining from above  
i think they've finally come  
the halcyon days  
_

She wouldn't have a normal life. Couldn't, by definition. Being a Slayer meant a normal life was out of the question. But she could take what she had and make it normal. She could sure as hell try. There was a light, above her, begging her to swim towards it, keep her head above water, keep breathing...

Spike was that light. Only, she had begun, just now, to see others. His shone the brightest, but more and more they began to pop up, sparkling in all their brilliance, some stronger than others, some fading in and out, the lot of them dancing above her...

She reached for them. And took hold.


End file.
